2009-10-17:

Well, the weather certainly mirrored my mood today. The trivialities of computer repair seems a bit small at the moment, so allow me to take this moment to tell you a little "behind the scenes" stuff going on in my life.

As I've mentioned, I've been writing to my "BFF" who in reality was a girl I was totally crushing on... since about third grade. Long story short, I was both an idiot and a coward and let her walk away. Fate granted me another chance when she "friended" me on Facebook and we started writing. I was dropping little hints I was going to ask her out soon which she picked up on. Today I got a message from her that although I was a great guy, our interests were too different to take it any further then friendship.

Which is her prerogative and dare I say duty? If life has taught me anything it's that being direct is always best. Especially in matters of the heart. I agreed that we were probably too different, thanked her for the chance to make up for my earlier lapse in judgement, and we part as friends.

But the feeling is exactly the same as when my parents drove away, after they helped move me to New Hampshire for that 20 week Co-Op at cabletron I went through for RIT. I had never been away from home like that before, not to live, and it felt, well, you can imagine. Exactly the same as now- I remember it well. This is a person I haven't actually seen in fifteen years and have only written to for a month. Can feelings run that deep?

So it's over. We've agreed to stay friendly, but she knows my goal was to win her heart, so to email daily like we were would only make it harder for me.

That's not the end of the story though. No, no, no, only the beginning.

Because this has now left me with more questions that answers. All my life, I was The Lone Wolf. Always apart from the crowd. Doing my own thing. For one reason or another (part of it, I think, my face blindness) I just didn't seem to make the connections, as easily, as those around me did. But looking forward to her emails? Learning more and more about her every day? That was so exciting! It left me wanting... more.

So now I feel like Kurosaki Ichigo when he was fighting his inner Hollow. He's basically fighting himself, but the fight determines his whole future from that point on. On the one hand there's the part of me that says "forget relationships. You're a lone wolf, you've always been one, you'll always BE one." And the other part of me says "She said you were an amazing person. And you *are*. Maybe that right one for you is at-this-very-moment looking for you." The problem is, which is the Hollow, and which is me? It's not so easy to tell anymore.

But there's my work to consider. You know, if you read this blog and you must because you are reading these words now, about my crazy schedule. How can I even BEGIN to think about finding "the one" when work takes up 60-70% of my time? That's not fair to them! Relationships take a TON of work, even those magical "love at first sight" ones. Am I wrong? I don't think so. If you're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, you want to make sure. And that takes time, and effort.

Writing to her made me realize that, yes, I am willing to put in that effort, but that next step is even more time consuming then writing. How do you find that balance? How can I find that person willing to accept that I have commitments apart from them, when the whole point of "going out" is to test your commitment to each other?

So I'm torn. Do I get into the "dating game" and try to find my "Mizzy" or do I just continue as I have been? They're not going to fall in my lap after all, that much is obvious. I guess I have a lot of soul searching to do.

Which is not a bad thing! Maybe this will turn out to be a major turning point in my life. Maybe one day I'll be able to say to her "thank you, because of my writing to you I was able to learn more about myself, what I wanted next in life, and then I found *person who is totally right for me*. You showed me the way, you gave me the courage."

Love sure can hurt, huh? Maybe I'm a bit late to that party, telling you things you already know. I don't deny I still have a lot to learn, both about people and myself. So I'll feel terrible for awhile, and come Monday morning I'm sure things start looking up again. Because everything happens for a reason, but sometimes that reason is hard to see. Even this has its purpose in my life, I'm sure of that.

Signing off,
Robert

See you Monday!"